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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Aug 2017 10:17

Retirement

My wife and I have moved into a retirement development on Florida 's southeast coast.
We are living in the "Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake
Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day?

No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days are eaten up by
simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where
we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1
hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and
join the early morning Walk-and-F@rt Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we
walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who
stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road
kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for
breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf
shorts, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we
know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed
by ladies in white hair nets. All free!

After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea
market to see if any new white belts have come in, or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for
the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters.

The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take
home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers,
packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints. At 5:30 pm we're
home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up
and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and
start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines
in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also
helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone
menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they
forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity
to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and
they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach
their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You
should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. Food shopping
is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach
the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted.

After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the
parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very
popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would
you rather live: Murray 's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both
owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap b@stard.

I hope this material has been of help when you decide where you want to retire. If I can be of
any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos
of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS:

" INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED"!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Aug 2017 10:17

The Cynical Philospher

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year - not to cause any trouble
shouldn't that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite
they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and
wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight
for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her
computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just ... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Aug 2017 14:36

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour,
observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages,
and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually
transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play,
and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and
make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps,
and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language,
by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few
books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me......

I CAN'T PRAY?'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Aug 2017 12:01

The Royal Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private
"OFF LIMITS" area on all battleships and aircraft carriers. Addressing all
boat personnel at Plymouth, a senior Admiral advised:

Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone
caught breaking this rule will be fined £50 the first time”. He continued:
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £150. Being
caught a third time will cost you a fine of £500. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a boot-neck from 45 Commando (Royal Marines) stood up in
the crowd and inquired..

"Sir, how much for a season ticket ?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Aug 2017 10:31

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.
That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room.
She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes,
my feet are killing me."

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would
not budge.

Camilla yelled, "harder, Charles, harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you
with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the
Navy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Aug 2017 14:06

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you
a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can't understand why women are okay that J.C Penny has an older women’s clothing
line named, “ Sag Harbor ”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm
pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you're in Denny’s
and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she’s going to
get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be
in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.
Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen,
Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was
Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Aug 2017 11:03

Jeremy Corbyn called John McDonnell into his office one day and said,
"John, I have a great idea! We’re going to go all out to win back Middle England.

Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it?” said McDonnell.

“Well,” said Corbyn “we’ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some
proper Hunter wellies, a stick and a flat cap –, oh, and a Labrador. Then we’ll
really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something in
the or other and we’ll show we really enjoy the countryside and Middle England.”

“Right Comrade,” said McDonnell.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they
set off. Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely country
pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

“Good evening, Landlord. Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please,” said
Corbyn

“Good evening, Jeremy,” said the landlord. “Two pints of best it is, coming up.”

Corbyn & McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over the country,
nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly
at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd
omplete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked
underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure to
the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell. People of all ages and gender followed
suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over. “Tell me,”
said McDonnell, “Why did all those people come in and look under the dog’s tail like
that? Is it an old country custom?”

“Good Lord no,” said the landlord. “It’s just that someone has told them that there
was a Labrador in this bar with two ars***les.”

(I am non-political, so please feel free to subsitute the names for the politicians of
your choice!)
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Aug 2017 10:12

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are gettingsteeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything
is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how
long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak
in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they
think I am a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people
my own age are so mucholder than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has
aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing
so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW -even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days. You're risking life and limb if you happen
to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully
st, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start
labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who
make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number
I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people
think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company
is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one
could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic
happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET
THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! (I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because
something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they used to be).
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Aug 2017 10:11

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,
took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's
something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on
three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell
me what you mean by 'goodreasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our
little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see
the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home,
but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay
for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall,
he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for
that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and
you needed 53 more votes.............................................?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Aug 2017 14:57

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...go on.

Wife: All right, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it in the dark.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Yeah! that's good.

Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.

And the next time you want the bloody window open,
do it yourself.

(Now, what were you expecting?)
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