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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 05 Oct 2017 10:37

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year.

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an insurance agency to see how
much it would cost to insure her wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '£39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap to insure here in
Ireland because it cost him £2000.00 in England.

The agent turned his computer screen round to the couple and said, "Well,
here it is on the screen. It says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler
system over it, is £39.00".

I always did find Irish Logic far superior.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 06 Oct 2017 14:30

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at
the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair
smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue
to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 Oct 2017 11:33

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

> Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?
> God said, "Go down into that valley."

> Adam said, "What's a valley?"

> God explained it to him.
> Then God said, "Cross the river."

> Adam said, "What's a river?"

> God explained that to him, and then said,
> "Go over to the hill....."

> Adam said, "What is a hill?"

> So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
> He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

> Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

> After God explained, He said,
> "In the cave you will find a woman."

> Adam said,"What's a woman?'

> So God explained that to him, too.
> Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

> Adam said, "How do I do that?"

> God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
> And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
> Adam, as well.

> So, Adam goes down into the valley,
> across the river, and over the hill, into the
> cave, and finds the woman.
> Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
> God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily,
> "What is it now?"

> And Adam said....

> "What's a headache?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 Oct 2017 10:00

Spare a thought for poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving
free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to
sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it
would have only cost you £1." "I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit
in this frame please".

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains
"Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't
pre-booked either, that will be another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and
yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this.
I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every
morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then
there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".


"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Oct 2017 14:22

THE LETTER

Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with
a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website,
became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype,
and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks

Your favorite daughter,

Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your
kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,

Your Dad
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Oct 2017 16:09

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man
to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous
applause.

Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference
When Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s
no sun at night.”

His cabinet and everyone working in the White House broke into thunderous applause.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Oct 2017 11:12

After golf today.................

I rode to the bottle shop today on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Grouse Whisky,
and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle
would break.

So I drank all the Grouse before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times
on the way home.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Carwalsick » 18 Oct 2017 15:09

Drafting Guys Over 60.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Marrob 33 » 18 Oct 2017 16:09

That's a really clever one, Carwalsick. wish I knew how to save it.Marrob
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Carwalsick » 18 Oct 2017 18:18

Marrob 33 wrote:That's a really clever one, Carwalsick. wish I knew how to save it.Marrob
You could copy and paste it to a word document.

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