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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Dec 2017 10:38

12 Days of Christmas, A Letter

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 14 Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 15 Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16 Dearest John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 17 Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough? Affectionately, Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 18 Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. Love, Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 20 John: What's with you and those f**king birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a godd*mn joke is this? There's bird sh*t all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those f**king birds! Sincerely, Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 21 OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their godd*mn cows! There's sh*t all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass! Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 22 Hey Sh*thead:

What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me! You'll get yours! Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 23 You Rotten Pr*ck!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you. One who means it!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.

December 24 Listen F*ckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.

December 25 Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender & Cajole
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Dec 2017 09:52

More Newfie Jokes

A Newfie goes into the doctor's office and says that his body hurts wherever
he touches it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The Newfie takes his finger, pushes on his left shoulder and screams. Then
he pushes his elbow and screams even more. He pushes his knee and screams;
then he pushes his ankle and screams. Everywhere he touches makes him scream.

The doctor says, “You're not from Ontario are you?”

No he said, “I'm actually from Newfoundland.”

“I thought so.” the doctor says: “Your finger is broken.”

IN A VACUUM

A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn.

He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.

His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?”

He thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 Jan 2018 16:00

(Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip).

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what
I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a
moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the
second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be
bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter,
the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor
even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Jan 2018 11:46

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to
with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a
, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the Balls to say: “You're
next, Chubby".

I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome;
both are fatal.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Jan 2018 10:32

"Won't you join our Common Market?" said the Spider to the Fly,
"It really is a winner and the cost is not too high.
I know De Gaulle said 'Non', but he hadn't got a clue,
We want you in, my friends and I, for we have plans for you.

You'll have to pay a little more than we do, just for now,
As Herr Kohl said, and I agree, we need a new milch cow.
It's just a continental term believe me, mon ami,
Like 'Vive la France' or 'Mad Anglais' or even 'E.E.C'.

As to the rules, don't worry friend, there's really but a few,
You'll find that we ignore them - but they all apply to you!
Give and share between us, that's what it's all about,
You do all the giving, and we all share it out.

It's very British, is it not, to help a friend in need?
You've done it twice in two World Wars, a fact we must concede,
So climb aboard the Market Train, don't sit there on the side,
Your continental cousins want to take you for a ride."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Jan 2018 14:03

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks kind of strange so
she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from
completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid

Husband: Well you don't’ remember, do you?? When we were leaving the
Hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go
change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and
left the dirty one there
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Jan 2018 11:54

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli
and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping t
hrough photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair
when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have
been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started
school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Jan 2018 11:56

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER? THEOLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED

ETHEL & MILDRED.

THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .. ...
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE."ETHEL", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID ETHEL. "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT.""WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED ETHEL?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",

WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID ETHEL..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL" "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,”
But this one is EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Jan 2018 11:48

A Newfie goes into the doctor's office and says that his body hurts wherever he touches it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The Newfie takes his finger, pushes on his left shoulder and screams. Then he pushes his
elbow and screams even more. He pushes his knee and screams; then he pushes his ankle
and screams. Everywhere he touches makes him scream.

The doctor says, “You're not from Ontario are you?”

No he said, “I'm actually from Newfoundland.”

“I thought so.” the doctor says: “Your finger is broken.”
..................................................................
IN A VACUUM

A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and
on Science & Nature.

His question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
........................................................................

A guy was visiting his Newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked what their
names were.

The Newfie replied that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.

His friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Dats easy” answered the Newfie: “They're watch dogs.”
......................................................................
A policeman in Ontario pulls over a Newfie for speeding. While he’s writing out the ticket
a fly’s bothering the Cop. The Newfie says. “That’s a circle fly, sir.”

The policeman asks, “What’s a circle fly?”

The Newfie says, “Them are the flies you find in the barn around a horse’s ass.”

The policeman says, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no sir”, says the Newfie, “I would never say a thing like that: but you can't fool them flies”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Jan 2018 10:03

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and
decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason
is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband
say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”
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