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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 05 Feb 2018 11:59

Loving relation Seminar

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship
with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband -
"I love you, Sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read
aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you
understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in
such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 06 Feb 2018 11:55

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:
We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last...;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 Feb 2018 09:46

I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector.

Japanese banking crisis:

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 Feb 2018 10:05

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked
what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had
ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked
around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long
and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband
and said. “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

“Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday… but I go fishing on Fridays!!”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Feb 2018 09:59

>
>
>
> We were going out for a Dinner & Theatre Evening
>
> We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
budgie and put the cat in the back garden.
>
> We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
>
> The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
>
> As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into
the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get
at the budgie.
>
> My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The
cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
>
> Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will
be empty for the night.
> So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going
upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
>
> A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove
away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ar*e with a coat
hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat a*se downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!
>
> . . . "She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"
>
> The silence in the taxi was deafening
>
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Feb 2018 10:44

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch
the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he
had a cold or something…

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However,
since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where
Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold -- there sat Russ.

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For
crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail' cried Sam. Whatever for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop
where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'What about her?'

'Well, the little gold-digging bitch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges
against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I
pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Feb 2018 08:43

A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives
that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why
are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come
in white.

(They are still looking for dad !!)
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Feb 2018 14:41

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box,
he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd
yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there
waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks
flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell?
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Feb 2018 11:20

I was eating breakfast with my teenage Granddaughter the
other day and I asked her,

What special day is it in Canada tomorrow?" .

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!" .

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?" .

I was waiting for something about the Trudeau’s or Harper etc.

She replied, "Prime Ministers Day is when the Prime Minister
steps out of the Prime Ministers residence at 22 Sussex Drive,
and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Sh*t."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose....
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Feb 2018 10:36

Breakfast

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
for breakfast, wearing only The T-shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got
to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all, right
there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around
her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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