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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Apr 2018 11:09

Old men can be quite realistic and clever.

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down
a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has
time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll
do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter
how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition”.

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out
his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the
eyes,and says slowly and clearly: ....................... "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older).
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Apr 2018 08:54

How Old is granddad?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his granddad about current events

The grandson asked his granddad what he thought about the shootings at
schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen foods
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees and
the pill

There were no:-
credit cards
laser beams or
ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers
and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air
Man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir." And after I turned 25,
I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were born before gay-rights,
computer-dating,
dual careers,
daycare centers,
and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment,
and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-
not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks , CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt,
or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps
to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
"grass" was mowed,
“gay” was happy
"coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and
"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
"chip" meant a piece of wood,
hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a
husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?

He would be 65 years old , Born in 1952 .

(PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES - THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT!).
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Apr 2018 09:04

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl
Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl
Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my
forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Apr 2018 09:08

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however,
that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if
someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but
you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for
hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried
and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall
and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young
monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was .... CELEBRATE!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Apr 2018 10:23

Sometimes we Seniors don't Understand Directions...

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high
counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the
counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a
tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and
began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now,
does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his
eyes yelled, "HELL NO!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist
test my urine for sugar!"

I'm not allowed to go back to that Chemist, but I really don't care, because they
aren't very friendly there anymore.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Apr 2018 08:53

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over
to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses
and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a
seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she
put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f*****g Chihuahua ?!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Apr 2018 13:53

Sign of the Times !

n the first day back at school in Lakemba, West Sydney

Roll Call.......

Ahmed Al Sheriah ………………………………"here"

Mustafa Al Sheriah …………………………….."here"

Fatima El Bindiri ……………………………….. “here"

Ali Akbah Shabeeb …………………………… “here"

Ali Sun Al En ……………………………………..No answer....

Ali Sun Al En?.......

Little girl at the back stands up and yells ........

It's pronounced Alison Allen, for f---- sake!! "
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Apr 2018 10:21

COMPLETE & FINISHED EXPLAINED

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between
these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended
by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the
clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand ?'

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here
is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED !"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch !
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Apr 2018 10:09

An English father goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mummy and Daddy"
on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dearest Mummy & Daddy,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found
real love and he is so nice - especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big American motorcycle.

But it's not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the bush.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams, too. I've learned that marijuana
does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it only for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us
with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find a cure
for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He really deserves it.

Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jahmal make
in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene, and I get a £200 bonus if there are more than 3
men in the scene and an extra £100 for the sheep.

Don't worry, Mummy, now that I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Daddy
so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Sarah

P.S.. Daddy, it's not true - I'm watching television with Jessica and her parents next door. I just wanted to
show you that there really are far worse things in life than England losing The Ashes.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Apr 2018 09:03

For those of our generation who simply do not, and cannot comprehend why social
media exists; I am trying to make friends outside of it while applying the same
principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell random passers-by what I have
eaten, how I feel, at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I’m doing
now, what I will, be doing later and with whom, and where I’m going next.

I then ask them to follow me along the street and watch me.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and, of me gardening, taking things apart
in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, washing the car,
driving around town, eating lunch, getting a haircut, and doing what anybody and
everyone does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like
them and will be friends with them.

It all works just like social media, only I do it face to face, not on a little glass screen.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and
a psychiatrist
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