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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 06 Aug 2018 13:41

A man goes to a female dentist for an extraction. She pulls out a
large syringe to give him an anaesthetic.

"No way", he said - I hate needles".

So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank.

"I can't do the gas thing either", he exclaims, "just the thought of
that mask on my face makes me feel suffocated".

"Have you a problem with pills?" she asks.

He says no, so she gives him two small blue pills which he swallows.

"What are they?" he asks.

"Viagara", she replies.

"I didn't know Viagara works as a painkiller".

"It doesn't," she responds, "but it'll give you something to hold on to
when I pull the tooth!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 Aug 2018 10:39

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able
to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side
for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out
to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . And nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake
like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all
born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip sh!t.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 Aug 2018 09:11

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered Yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Cabernet Sauvignon!

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident.
It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're
ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and,
with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents
you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant
or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing,
loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare,
and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Aug 2018 13:58

> How do they get away with it!
> Talk abut stupid juries.
>
>
>
>
>
> A sure sign that the US is going to hell in a big way…. And the juries must have been bleeding heart libs – dumbasses!!!!
>
> Stella Awards
>
> It's time again for the annual " Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
>
>
> That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
>
> Here are the Stella's for this year:
>
> * SEVENTH PLACE
>
> Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
>
> Start scratching!
>
> * SIXTH PLACE *
>
>
> Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
>
> Scratch some more...
>
> * FIFTH PLACE *
>
> Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...
>
> Double head scratching after this one..
>
> * FOURTH PLACE *
>
> Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun
>
>
> Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.
>
> * THIRD PLACE *
>
>
> Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
>
> Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
>
> *SECOND PLACE*
>
> Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure
>
> Ok. Here we go!!
>
> * FIRST PLACE *
>
> This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
>
> $1,750,000.
>
> PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
>
>
> If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.
>
>
>
>
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Aug 2018 10:24

Logic from an uncluttered Mind ….

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Aug 2018 08:15

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Aug 2018 08:04

Bless the Irish

There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week
and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more
than two hours.
.......................................................

“O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?”

And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.
....................................................

Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. “I’m pregnant”
she cries.

“And how do you know it’s yours?” shouts her father.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Aug 2018 14:06

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 31,000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D and million dollar headset, the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this.”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level.

The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this.”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date with the flight attendant for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing.

When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing.

It's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Aug 2018 13:42

There is no senior discount for reading this!!!

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that,
at my age, I don't really care anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't
run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us
to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3 Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a lot of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Carwalsick » 14 Aug 2018 14:24

Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which
puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be
approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for
inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that
money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and
after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
September 2018 Saga Sapphire Nova Scotia and St Lawrence in the Fall
November 2019 Spirit of Discovery Spanish Islands of The Atlantic
April 2020 Saga Sapphire Coast to Coast
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