Joke of the Day

[Gillzajoker]

This will be my last joke for a few days, as off on hols. Hopefully
some of you will keep the thread going, please


This is How to Explain How We Came to Be.
The New Generation will Never Believe the story about the STORK or the CABBAGE PATCH.

A little boy asks, £Mummy, was I downloaded?" No, she replied, "you were born".

The little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You Got Male!"

[Carwalsick]

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

Sent from my SM-T280 using Tapatalk

[Gillzajoker]

The sexual Activity Of Senior Males.

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:
North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week,
(and a small number a lot more).

Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

[Gillzajoker]

Facts of Life

1. A girl is said to be grown-up when she starts wearing a bra.
A boy is grown-up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.....
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Miller, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds about right.

[Gillzajoker]

Little Johnny

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a new 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
£300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with
a suitcase.

So, he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £300,000 mortgage
and no f...in' bike."

[Gillzajoker]

Questions that haunt me

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog'sface, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are wearing out?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

[Gillzajoker]

Definition of a Tragedy

Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So Mr Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obama’s and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!'

[Gillzajoker]

More 'Whys'

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[Gillzajoker]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert ..

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

[Gillzajoker]

Can you guess which of the following are true & which are false?

(Answers below-no peeking.)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years..

4. People do not get sick from cold weather - it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for 1 month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit & the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer & a Gentleman" & "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most Television Commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint & a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles & Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The 1st Harley Davidson Motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.


Answers:


They are all TRUE!