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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Oct 2018 09:50

Jim-The Thoughtful Husband...


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Oct 2018 09:09

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession.

> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
> "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

> The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

> “There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

> “Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

> "And what is that?" asked the priest.

> “Should I tell her the war is over?”
>
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Oct 2018 10:24

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays
at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure
enough, the man awoke as a woman...

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their
school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school.
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners and stopped
at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries. Paid the bills
and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry,
vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the
way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snappedfresh beans for supper.

After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry,
bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though
his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your
lesson and I will be happy to change things backto the way they were. You'll
just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Oct 2018 09:45

>
>> Headache & testicles:

>> Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
>> He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

>> The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
>> The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.
>> You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
>> spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
>> The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

>> Joe was shocked at the prospect of being castrated, and depressed.He
>> wondered if he had anything to live for.
>> He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him £15,000.

>> When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
>> 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
>> As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
>> person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
>> He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
>> Suit.'

>> He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

>> The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

>> Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
>> Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
>> mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

>> The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

>> Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

>> Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
>> Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about
>> some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

>> The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

>> Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I
>> was 18 years old..'

>> The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
>> press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of
>> a Headache.'

>> Surgery - £15000 
>> New underwear - £6 
>> Second Opinion- PRICELESS
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Oct 2018 13:47

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk
about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling
two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you
were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will
continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him
and asks him what his name is.

"Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling
two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were
Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Oct 2018 13:11

What is meant by the modern term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"... The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri.

The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and General Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.

The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo, Japan 0800-September 1,1945

To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied b@stards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan 1630-September 1, 1945

To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end!

Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means…..
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Oct 2018 09:27

For all you Golfers out there

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing
with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become
is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played
far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~ Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth

8. If you drink... don't drive. Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you,
down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible
when he makes a hole-in-one. ~Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. ~Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

17. Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon

19. May the ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters or small round sandy regions. ~Ben Hogan

20. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~All Us Hackers

22 The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian

AND FINALLY................

23. Remember Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.~Lee Trevino
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Oct 2018 09:35

ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night.

Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back
to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"
________
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Oct 2018 09:39

Therapy

After 40 years of marriage Doug and Claudia went in for counseling . When asked what the problem was, the Claudia went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asking Claudia to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her Doug watched - with a raised eyebrow.

Claudia, shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

Then the therapist turned to Doug and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays... but I golf on Fridays..."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Oct 2018 14:27

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's
another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
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