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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Jan 2019 10:14

Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why.

Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care
and counselling.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree
in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-bottled water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Jan 2019 10:19

One evening, a few days after their honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley
motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching
him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been
thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of
your time out here in your garage.

You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment
along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model
airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment."

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife"

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, "I wasn't."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Jan 2019 14:21

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until
he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men
see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get
an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.


The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.


The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a
third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he
was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those
the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off
his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Jan 2019 14:06

As we have progressed through the year 2018, I want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because from what you have told me, the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes. I now have to use a wet sponge on every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to that sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't eat at KFC because from what you told me, their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Jan 2019 14:25

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband…

A woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise
her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my
wife is in the kitchen.”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Carwalsick » 16 Jan 2019 10:19

Not really a joke but this message from my brother in USA is maybe worth sharing:
OK do I have a deal for you!! I will trade you one slightly used and abused Donald Trump, complete with the handy dandy Vladimir Putin remote controller. In return I will accept a clearly worn out Teresa May but will not require the associated Boris toy. From what I hear he is completely useless and should have never been produced in the first place.
November 2019 Spirit of Discovery Spanish Islands of The Atlantic
April 2020 Saga Sapphire Coast to Coast
July 2020 Spirit of Discovery Arctic Expedition
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Jan 2019 15:38

I Must Confess

An Irishman lies dying; his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess”

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes”....
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Jan 2019 11:57

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Jan 2019 11:17

I know we've had this before, but it is so good, I'm sure you'll enjoy it again :D

Subject: Admiral Nelson - Brilliant but sadly true!!!
>
>
> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir"
> Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
> Nelson, reading aloud: “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this?"
>
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir"
> Nelson: "What?"
> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral"
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd!"
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card"
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons"

> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral"
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not"
> Nelson: "We're not?"
> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report"

> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King"
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment"

> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir"
> Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy”
>
>
>
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Jan 2019 11:41

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
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