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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Apr 2019 10:48

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.

One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time,
three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours.
I just don't know what to do.”

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

“Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Apr 2019 10:54

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise'
was.

The old farmer said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't
know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb @rse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Carwalsick » 12 Apr 2019 12:08

Rick Astley for Prime Minister.
He will never:
- Give you up
- Let you down
- Run around
- Desert you
- Make you cry
- Say goodbye
- Tell a lie
- or Desert you
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Joke of the Day

Postby Carwalsick » 12 Apr 2019 12:24

Brexit is laughable!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Apr 2019 14:50

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Apr 2019 11:41

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly . .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

'So I just switched the heads.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Apr 2019 11:00

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at the recently married couple's house.
She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she
got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and
expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Apr 2019 12:03

Marketing...

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.
______________________________
* You're a woman and you’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising
______________________________

* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
______________________________

* You’re a woman and you see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
______________________________

* You're a woman and you’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________

*You're a woman and you’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________

* You’re a woman and your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.
______________________________

* You're a woman and you are on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all the houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
______________________________

*If you are a man you secretly disclose a list of names of those women who are fantastic in bed.

That’s Insider Trading.
______________________________

* You’re a woman and you are at a party; this attractive wealthy older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's either Bill Clinton or Donald Trump.
______________________________

* You didn't mind having your ass grabbed, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Apr 2019 11:43

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what: Metal, Wood, stone. Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not
melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a
competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would
marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.


The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess
touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest
substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess
touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my
pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt !!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pan ts????

M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

(What on earth were you thinking? I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES )!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Apr 2019 11:23

Letter to Mrs. May - Genius!!

Dear Mrs. May,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing Brexit.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to Eurocrats, that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also.....

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
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