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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Jul 2019 08:26

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's
funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead.
Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and
mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Jul 2019 09:58

Marriage

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus
were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Funnily enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a
lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
...................................................................................

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Jul 2019 13:52

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain, all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Jul 2019 10:19

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar
sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head
with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That so and so next door
has still got my bloody good shovel."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Jul 2019 10:02

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the
interview says "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take
this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers,
six extremists and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Jul 2019 10:32

The house next door.......

Plastic doors and windows
and plastic-pipes adorn
with plastic hanging-baskets
and a bloody plastic lawn

Plastic birds and garden gnomes
and a little plastic fox,
plastic plants in plastic pots
and balls of plastic Box

But, ours is looking lush and green
as twice last week it pelted
then we had a heatwave
and the crap next door all melted.......
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Jul 2019 10:06

Registration on the first day back at school in Leicester, England:

· Mustafa Al Sheriah
"Here"
· Ahmed El Sheriah
"Here"
· Fatima El Bindiri
"Here"
· Ali Acmah Shabeeb
"Here"
· Ali Sun Al En
No answer
· Ali Sun Al En?

Little girl at the back stands up and says
"it's pronounced Alison Allen."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Jul 2019 08:39

Daughter’s vibrator.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed
with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he
found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the
Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Jul 2019 09:43

For the guys - warning - sexist!

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it !

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy!

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Jul 2019 09:27

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said, "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four wooden tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and wired it all together, . .an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he had seen them.

She said, "You're the first. No one has EVER touched these breasts."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
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