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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Aug 2019 10:25

An Obituary printed in the London Times..... Brilliant!!t

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death:-

by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion,
by his daughter, Responsibility,
and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepchildren:-

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 15 Aug 2019 11:18

My girlfriend has started to suspect I'm having an secret 'affair'..I thought ..blimey, she's started to sound just like the wife.......
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Aug 2019 10:23

Aphorisms

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for
democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common
sense leaving your body.

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble....
but shouldn't that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they
are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they
only look at the covered parts.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Aug 2019 10:25

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical
procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath..

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed,
the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you
very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Aug 2019 11:09

More Aphorisms

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that!


♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling
my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last
night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing
a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Aug 2019 11:27

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

“Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace”!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won't let me in without a tie”!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Aug 2019 11:25

Millennials...

Now how can you not applaud this senior citizen’s reply?



A very self-important Uni student attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet.
We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies and,” pausing to take another drink of beer...

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have any of those things when we were young...so we f#@^king invented them.

Now, you arrogant little sh*t, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Aug 2019 09:51

The Bottle of Wine

Recently, I was driving back to the Gold Coast from Port Douglas in
Northern Queensland when I saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking
on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked
the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently
at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a
brown paper bag on the back seat.

'What's in the paper bag boss’, the old bloke said.

Without looking at the bag I said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for
my wife.'

The old Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

'Good trade...'
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 21 Aug 2019 22:32

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have make love when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Aug 2019 09:16

B&Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to
B&Q. They hired him because he was so funny....

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the
first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a high ranking bank executives, style
redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that
runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday
Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big
tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 miles away.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
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