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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 01 Feb 2020 14:21

German guy approaches a prostitute and says. "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"Okay." Says the girl. "I'll charge 100 quid an hour."

"Is goot." Says the German. "But I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem." She replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and after all the
guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps. "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"

"Ah." Says the German. "Four-sprung duck technique."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 02 Feb 2020 14:22

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted.... 'I'll do the fu***ng dishes!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 03 Feb 2020 15:30

SIMPLE TRUTHS

1. Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral – In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

2. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "congratulations."
But, not one of them comes up to the man - touches his Whizzer and says, "Good job Mate."
Moral – Hard work is rarely ever appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2.Forgive your enemy - but be sure to remember the ar***ole's name.

3.If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4.Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does water or milk.

5.Many people are alive today only because - it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. I read of a bloke who was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Feb 2020 13:45

A teacher asked the children in her class. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first.

"I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, a Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Johnny’s tart."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Feb 2020 14:08

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Feb 2020 12:03

Donald Trump is sleeping in the White House one night. He wakes up as the ghost
of George Washington appears.

Trump asks the ghost, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington replies, "Never tell a lie."

"I don't think I can do that," says Trump and goes back to sleep.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.

Trump again asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson replies, "Listen to the people."

Trump says, "Oh! I really don't want to do that," and goes back to sleep.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.

Once again Trump asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theatre.”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Feb 2020 10:46

A science professor asked his students:

"Which part of the body can increase in size seven times in just a few seconds?"

One girl student stood up and said: "You are really out of order for asking such
dirty questions!"

The professor said: ''I was talking about the human pupil. Furthermore, you will
be disappointed a lot of times in your life, young lady!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Feb 2020 11:03

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve
your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."

The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have
sex with the donkey.

Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"

"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Feb 2020 10:33

An FM station in Australia has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ? Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it, mate? Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !
Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table. Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife? Brian: Yeah, all right.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you? Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi, Brian. Brian: Hi, Sharelle.

Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth, honey. Sharelle: Okay. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question. Where did you do it? Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway. Just tell them. Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the a**e!

Radio Silence — Advertising Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Feb 2020 10:32

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them
it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental
procedure.

The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the
father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him,
though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to
the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let
the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely
fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100%
of the pain, times ten.

The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at
how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the
new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
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