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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Jun 2020 10:07

Jennifer, a manager at a local Mitre 10 store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?

“the first man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There"s no warning.

'that’s very good!" replied Jennifer. "And, now you sir?", she asked the second man.

"Hmmm...let me see "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

"Excellent!" said Jennifer. “the blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.
"She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad’s property, you step out of the house and on the wall theres a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
"It’s hard to beat the speed of light," she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

"WHAT?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure," said Wally. "You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t myself.”

Wally is now working at a Mitre 10 near you!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Jun 2020 08:55

Odds'n'sods

There are 70 ways of preventing pregnancy.
Contraception is one, and the other is 69.

I'm a big fan of 68. It's like 69 but just that I owe you one.

I'm marketing a new condom. The slogan: buy me and stop one.

T’missus told me to get our ginger haired son ready for school.
So I beat him up and stole his dinner money!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Jun 2020 09:05

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding
drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11
at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the
driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and
white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't
made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off
the A120."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 28 Jun 2020 08:58

There was a knock at the door last night, and when I answered
it a 10 foot tall cockroach punched me in the face and broke
my nose.

I went to the doctors the next day and told him what had
happened and he told me that there was a nasty bug going
around.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 29 Jun 2020 09:50

For my last birthday I received a parrot. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and
worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were
to say the least, rude.

I tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft
music, anything I could think of. Nothing worked.

I yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. I shocked the bird and the bird just got more
angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, I put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
I heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet.
I was frightened that I might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I’ll endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly
sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

I was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such
a dramatic change when the parrot continued ......

“May I ask what did the chicken do?”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 30 Jun 2020 09:32

I was raised to take care of my wife. So I washed her clothes,
cleaned the house, got rid of the body and acted sad at the
funeral.

Wife - did you know that butterflies only live for 2 days.
Husband - I think that's a myth.
Wife - Not it's definitely butterflies.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by
saying I wasn't good in bed.
He was shocked when they all disagreed!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 01 Jul 2020 08:06

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 02 Jul 2020 08:56

TEENAGERS!!

Tired of being harrassed by your parents?

ACT NOW!

Move Out, Get Job, Pay Your Own Way
While You Still Know Everything!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 03 Jul 2020 08:25

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best,and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live
with you and your wife...."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 Jul 2020 13:22

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.

This is so true.

I love to hear them say, "You don't look that old."
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