Cruising Mates Forum: Cruise reviews, chat, answers and information. cruisingmates.co.uk • View topic - Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Jul 2020 08:43

Marriage

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"

A man gave his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo ! That was the deal.

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife ...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Jul 2020 09:56

More on Marriage

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later.
...................................

A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away, You gave me youth, You took
it away. You gave me a wife ... It's been years now, just reminding You.
.............................................

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband
said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat.
"
Wife : Dear, you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband : That's at home ... here the chef knows how to cook.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Jul 2020 10:09

Odds'n''sods

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins
screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my
pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answer "Because he's thinking of getting married".
......................................................

Husband : I found Aladdin's lamp today.

Wife : Wow! what did u ask for darling??

Husband : I asked him to increase your brain ten times

Wife : Oh darling ... love u so much.. Did he do that

Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
.............................................

Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby judgegeoff » 27 Jul 2020 12:10

Not a joke I'm afraid, but a true story that made me smile :-

My cousin's son, Philip Hall, is a member of Wasdale Mountain Rescue Team in the Lake District and our family are very proud of him and the volunteer work he does. At 5:30 pm on Friday the 24th July 2020 the team were called out to rescue a St. Bernard dog that was unable to walk any further from Scafell Pike. The dog weighed 55kg (8.64 stone) and had to be stretchered down by the team but has now made a full recovery.

It amused me as St. Bernard dogs are used in mountainous areas overseas to rescue people who are lost or injured.

Image
Geoff

Booked cruise :-
"MSC Orchestra" - Cape Town to Venice 2020 (now virtual)
User avatar
judgegeoff
Powder Monkey
Powder Monkey
 
Posts: 4444
Joined: 23 Mar 2013 12:58
Location: New Romney. Kent
National Flag:
United Kingdom

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 28 Jul 2020 08:49

Aww, that's a lovely story, Geoff! :D

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here In heaven: Don't step on the Ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the Place. It is almost impossible not To step on a duck, And although they try their Best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally Steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them Together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping On a duck is to Spend eternity chained to This ugly man!' The second woman steps Accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely Ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as For the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly Man, is very, VERY careful where she Steps.

She manages to go months Without stepping on any Ducks, But One day St. Peter comes up to Her With the most handsome man She has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long Eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to Deserve being Chained to you for all of Eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 29 Jul 2020 09:53

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called
‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 30 Jul 2020 09:01

After ww2 some English girls and boys from London were billeted
out in parts of Ireland to help some of the farmers and merchants
Mick O'shea and his wife had a 17 year old girl come to stay with
them to help with their 4 children, after a couple of nights the girl
said to the woman I'd really like to have a bath, she said to the girl
we don't have a bath as such but we have a large tub that we put
in the kitchen and fill it with warm water and you can sit in it to
bathe yourself, I suggest you wait till Monday night when Mick
goes to the pub and plays darts.

Monday night comes Mick's off to play darts and his wife gets the
tub in the kitchen and fills it with warm water from the stove the
girl gets into the tub and the women notices that the girl has no
pubic hair, when Mick got home she told him about it, Mick said
maybe she shaves it "no I asked her and she said she doesn't" so
she said to him next Monday you come home a bit earlier and I'll
prop the blind open and you can see for yourself,

Monday night comes around the women are talking whilst she
bathes they finish and clean up the kitchen and the girl goes to
bed and Mick arrives home and his wife said did you have a look
through the window Mick said 'Yes I saw it but why in the hell did
you show her yours I was embarrassed.

She said 'I was showing her what hers should look like - anyway
why would you be embarrassed you have seen mine plenty of
times . Mick said "yes but the rest of the darts team hadn't."
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 31 Jul 2020 08:47

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 01 Aug 2020 08:34

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for
girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK.

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly
as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance,
your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he
would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best
when going to bed.

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If
you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as
this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your
husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in
particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs
to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your
husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate
intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the
while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important
than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a
small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite
sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices
be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by
remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly
asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time
face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him
in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea
ready when he awakes.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 02 Aug 2020 09:46

Only the I rish have Jokes L ike This

I nto a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little s*it , O'Connor," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in
his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, a nd a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 16781
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

PreviousNext

  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Other games



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests