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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Nov 2020 12:03

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits
we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached
that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's
almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You
learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Nov 2020 10:16

A wealthy Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in
case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it
couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. He
willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for his
giving his blood, a new BMW, 5-carat diamonds and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a
corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more
than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second
surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of
Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought
you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW,
diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box
of chocolates.

"To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in
ma veins now."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Nov 2020 10:37

B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's
not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's
Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.


DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy
Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Nov 2020 10:13

Odds'n'sods

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it

.3 Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late

.6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday
and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that
doesn't fit any of your containers.1

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight
ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Nov 2020 09:41

More odds'n'sods'

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am
doing nothing.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can
stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll
freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and
b.changes you forever. We call those people 'cops'.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Nov 2020 12:04

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger.
When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time
job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health
benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from
work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead,
I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option
for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked food when I walk
through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour,
but, chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That
way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then would help her figure.

I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems
to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break today when she
was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange
juice, and just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint, in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying
that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men would find
it difficult, if not impossible
.
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Note:
Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch driver
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A
sledge hammer was lying nearby.

His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took
only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defence that Ron,
somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Nov 2020 14:46

I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of
my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my
lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to
kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again
without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
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