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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Feb 2021 11:13

Min -Won and Kay-Tee two lifelong Chinese friends was talking.
And Min-Won said to his mate,"I've met the Love of my Life and am going to ask her
to Marry Me".

Kay-Tee said, "Yeah, I've noticed over the past few weeks the Spring in your Step
and Smile on your Face. I can tell your in Love. I've never met the Girl describe
her to me"..??

Well said Min-Won, "She has Long Straight Black Hair. And Beautiful Brown
Slanted Eyes. A beautiful Yellow Skin with High Cheek Bones. A Slim Figure ,
Tiny TIts and she is Amazing in Bed"..

Kay-Tee then proceeded to beat the Holy Sh!t out of Min-Won. Screaming at
him. !You dirty, rotten sod. You’ve been Screwing my Sister”...!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Feb 2021 15:39

Bob visited his Doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to Cigars..?!?!?
The Doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended
an unusual and quite drastic form of Aversion Therapy.
"When you go to Bed tonight, take one of your Cigars, unwrap it, and stick it
completely up your Butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the
others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious,
you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated Cigar"..???

"Thanks Doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw
the Doctor again.

"What..??? My recommendation didn't work..??? It was supposed to be effective
even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is".. answered the Doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, Doc. At least I was able to transfer my Addiction," replied Bob.

"What is that supposed to mean"..?? demanded the Doctor.

"Well, I don't Smoke Cigars anymore, But at least now, I can't go to Sleep at Night,
unless I have a Cigar Shoved up my Butt"..
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Feb 2021 10:38

A man with a hearing disability accidentally crashes his vehicle into an expensive BMW
parked ouside a house. The owner of the BMW runs out of his house, grabs hold of the
man and says “give me $10.000 or I’ll beat the living hell out of you!!”

The man with the disability replies “Woah woah buddy, just calm down. I don’t have that
much, but let me call my son. He trains dolphins”. He then calls his son and just as he was
about to speak, the owner of the BMW yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you
train dolphins? Well get me $10.000 right now! or I’ll beat the crap out of your dad!”.

The son answers “Okay give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” Fifteen minutes later the son
pulls up in a jeep and out jump 4 masked men that immediately start violently beating the
owner of the BMW. The son then walks over to his father and says “Dad. How many more
times. I don't train dolphins. I train Seals!.”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Feb 2021 10:44

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of the dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating; fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn’t have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn’t peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

“Kebab” was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of a tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more
than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties was elbows.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Feb 2021 15:52

A new sign in the Bank reads:

“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below
when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true!!)
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release handbrake.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Feb 2021 16:54

It was this Little Girl's first day of School.
And the Teacher asked her what her Name was..??

And she replied, "Happy Butt"..?!?!?

The Teacher said,
"Honey I don't think that's your Name at all. You need to go to the Principal's
Office and get this straightened out, now"...!

So she went to the Principal's Office and he asked, "What's Your Name,
little Girl"..??

The Little Girl replied, "Happy Butt"...!

The Principal called the Girl's Mother to get this straightened out once and for all.

After getting off the Phone he looked at the Little Girl and said,
"Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The Little Girl then exclaimed,
*
"Glad Ass, Happy Butt, What's The Difference"..???
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 28 Feb 2021 11:21

Three Women always Hang their Laundry out in the Backyard.
When it Rains, however the Laundry always gets Wet.
All the Laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.??
The other Two Women, wonder why, Sophie NEVER has her Laundry out,
on the days that it Rains..??
So, one day they are all out in the backyard putting Clothes on the Line,
one of the Women says to Sophie,
"Say, how come when it Rains, your Laundry is Never OUT" ..??

"Well," says Sophie, "When I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul.
If his Penis is hanging over his Right Leg, I know it's going to be a Great Day,
and I can Hang Out the Wash".
"If his Penis is hanging over his Left Leg, I know it's going to Rain, so I Don't
Hang Out the Wash."

"What if he has an Erection"..?? asks one of the Women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "On a Day Like That, Then, what Woman on this Earth,
ever thinks of doing the Laundry"...????
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 01 Mar 2021 09:35

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the
Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even
see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way
and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to
show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times
and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 02 Mar 2021 11:26

Shown below is an actual letter sent to a bank by an 82 yr old woman. ( Not Me !!)
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my
plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink
my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls
and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal
Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me there's no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number
of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending
the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year

Your Humble Client

(And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't
take much to piss us off.
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Joke of the Day

Postby judgegeoff » 02 Mar 2021 13:53

I am not sure that there is any hope for the human race!

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Booked cruise :-
"MSC Orchestra" - Cape Town to Venice 2020 (now virtual)
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