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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 03 Apr 2021 11:37

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after
dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred,
age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before
they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was
holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What
does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 Apr 2021 10:26

I went to the supermarket yesterday and I have to tell you this, I was behind a
grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the
child screaming for lollies, biscuits, Easter eggs and all sorts of things.

The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . .
easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay
William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there,
boy.”

At the checkout finally the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley.
Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy,
don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Well, I was really impressed, and when I got outside I saw the grandfather
loading his shopping and the boy into the car.

I walked over and said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you
just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have
you as his granddad.”

“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little b@stard’s name
is Kevin
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 05 Apr 2021 11:58

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working),
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it,
you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 06 Apr 2021 10:30

Takes all sorts!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....

"Look at that dead bird!"

Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"

-----------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Real Estate agent which direction was
north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 Apr 2021 10:30

More Puns

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was
staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied,
“Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey! We don’t want your type in here!”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 Apr 2021 10:17

A new small business was opening and one of the owner's friends arranged for
flowers to be sent to mark the occasion and wish the owner luck.

The flowers duly arrived at the new business site and the business owner read
the accompanying card to find it said, "Rest in Peace." The business owner rang his
friend and told him what the card read. The friend was angry and called the florist
to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the
florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you
should consider this: Somewhere there's a funeral taking place today, and they
have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Apr 2021 11:45

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what
did you do over the weekend?"

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then
asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words,"
she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,
"Winnie the SHIT."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Apr 2021 12:14

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks
in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an
off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying
the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on
her face.
Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian
Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the hell do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says,
"Ryanair".
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Apr 2021 11:15

Subject: The Tattoo

> A very successful Chartered Accountant arrived home very late one night.
> His wife very angry almost hysterical in her upset, says, “Where the hell have you been?”
> Darling, “I was out getting a tattoo!”

> “A tattoo?” She spluttered. “I was outa my mind with worry, expecting the Police to come
and tell me you'd be in a road accident. She paused in her tirade. What kind of tattoo did you get?”

> “Darling I got a picture of thousand pound note tattoed on my privates” he said proudly.

> “Jesus what the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in astonishment, “What is
wrong with you man, why on earth would a successful Chartered Accountant get a thousand pound
note tattooed on his bloody penis?”

> “Well, Darling,
> For one, I like to watch my money grow.
> Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
> Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
> And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping and spending a fortune, you can stay right here at
home and blow a thousand quid anytime you want!”

> The Wife faints…
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Apr 2021 11:16

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more
meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the
morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are
the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftoversand clean UP the
kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be
dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP
to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When
it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.One
could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, Now it's UP to you what you do with this
email.
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