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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 03 Mar 2011 16:22

A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between

'Theoretically' and 'Realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying

"Dad, dad, she said she would!

She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two 'Tarts and a Poof."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Dave » 03 Mar 2011 16:44

:D Keep 'em coming! :D
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Mike C Isle of Wight » 03 Mar 2011 17:01

Dave wrote::D Keep 'em coming! :D


Do you mean that?

OK :lol:

A piece of string goes in to a bar...

and asks for a beer. The barman takes one look at him and says "We don't serve string in this town mister". The piece of string shrugs (ok, gives a little twist) and walks out.

Further down the street he comes to another bar and thinks he will try his luck again. He has barely closed the door behind him when the bar tender points a finger at him and yells "Take a hike. We don't serve string in here".

A little confused but quite determined, the piece of string finds another bar and enters. This time he makes it to the bar and again tries to order a beer. The bar tender looks at him suspiciously and asks "Aren't you a piece of string ?"

"No !" replies the piece of string "I'm a frayed knot".
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Shelledpea » 03 Mar 2011 21:25

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right.All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 Mar 2011 10:29

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to him.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say Anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match Be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby JollyJill » 04 Mar 2011 10:36

Great one Gill, where DO you get them from? :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Dave » 04 Mar 2011 10:44

I do enjoy reading these - thanks! :thumbup:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 Mar 2011 10:45

JollyJill wrote:Great one Gill, where DO you get them from? :lol: :lol:

I have lots of 'internet buddies' who share jokes on a daily basis (if I don't get at least 3 or 4 a day, I feel bereft!). I appreciate them taking the time to send them and giving me a laugh, and so like to pass them along in the hopes that others enjoy them too.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 04 Mar 2011 11:46

.
I was chatting to a girl in a club last night.

She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?"

I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".
------------------------------------------------

I booked a table for me and the wife for Valentines day.

It all ending in tears though, she's totaly hopeless at snooker.
------------------------------------------------
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Fossil » 04 Mar 2011 14:56

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...
:oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
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