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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 May 2018 09:43

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 May 2018 10:25

FIVE SURGEONS ARE DISCUSSING WHO MAKES
THE BEST PATIENTS TO OPERATE ON.

The first surgeon, says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said:
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine...
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable!"

'Think this says it all, as to how some folks feel about politicians---
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 May 2018 10:22

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an
American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,

'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble.

'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted,

'D'ya eat jam with your bread?'

Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said,

'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and
the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked,

'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once
you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 May 2018 16:40

> THAT IS LIFE AS WE GROW OLD
>
> I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
>
> Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
>
> You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
>
> I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
>
> I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
>
> Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
>
> The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
>
> I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
>
> If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
>
> Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
>
> Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
>
> Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
>
> At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
>
> Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
>
> Life is great.
>
>>>> I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 May 2018 11:28

Dinner Etiquette

THE POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.

The teacher responded by saying: That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.

That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 May 2018 11:35

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

Shewas a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 May 2018 11:12

Mick Mundy of Cooktown has gone to court to have the word
"blacklisted" banned.

Required to state his case, Mick said: "This racist word is
demoralising for the blacks of this country! How can you put
people on a list just because they're black. Why not put whites
on a list also?"

Judge Bernadette Callaghan, after looking pained and after
thinking for a minute said,

"Whites are on a separate list, they are called 'Tax Payers'!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 May 2018 14:39

The hypnotist.

A women comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment,
the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and
carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't
move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and
jumpsinto bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that,
he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ....

She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!

His funeral service will be held Sunday.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 May 2018 11:17

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS
IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT

A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why
are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows
your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this
with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all
household appliances come in white.

The boy told his mother.

They are still looking for dad!!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 May 2018 09:33

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient
man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
,.....................................................................................
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget
to zip down.'
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