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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Sep 2019 08:03

this message before you forward it.
Thank you.
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me to sleep at night."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Sep 2019 08:48

Clever Signs

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg..
We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Sep 2019 09:42

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Sep 2019 10:51

More Amusing Signs


On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome!
Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted
if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't,
you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Sep 2019 09:18

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Sep 2019 14:40

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead".

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?!'
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 23 Sep 2019 17:34

Our local village flasher had recently been considering retiring but has now decided to stick it out for another year.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Sep 2019 10:35

THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her @rse in it"...
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 24 Sep 2019 20:04

Paddy and Murphy buy 2 pigs for their farm. Murphy says how are we gonna tell the difference between your pig and mine?

Paddy says , 1 of the pigs has a ear missing , I'll have the pig with 1 ear, you have the pig with 2 ears.

during the night the pigs have a fight and the pig with 1 ear bites an ear off the pig with 2 ears.

the following morning Murphy says, how are we gonna tell the difference now.

Paddy says, I'll cut the other ear of my pig so mine has no ears and yours has 1 ear.

during the night the pigs have another fight. and the pig with no ears bites the ear off the other pig.

next day Murphy says , how are we gonna tell the difference now,

Paddy says I'll cut the tail of my pig,

during the night the pig with no tail bites the tail of the other pig.

Murphy says , how are we gonna tell the difference now.

Paddy says sod it I'll have the black one , you take the pink one.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Sep 2019 10:15

Brooklyn Tony on GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands
from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother
a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!' "
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