Cruising Mates Forum: Cruise reviews, chat, answers and information. cruisingmates.co.uk • View topic - Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Sep 2019 10:14

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining
and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what
happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 26 Sep 2019 19:48

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Looks at his wife in bed and says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".....his wife looks up and says "That's a sheep"..the man says "I was talking to the sheep".....
David
User avatar
Barrowboy
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 12032
Joined: 26 Feb 2011 20:18
Location: Bedford
National Flag:
England

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Sep 2019 10:09

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour
that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of
gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used
to be.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 28 Sep 2019 10:15

A new bride approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

(You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut).
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 29 Sep 2019 10:55

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic..

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2 x 3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the f***ing difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 30 Sep 2019 11:06

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb on Facebook?

-----------------------

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

249 to post meme's and gif's.

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

12 to post F.

80 to ask what F means.

16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to ask if the brands of light bulbs used are worth the money.

19 to tell them that if they like the light bulbs, buy them.

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

13 to comment "Me too".

5 to post to the page that they will no longer post or are leaving because they cannot handle the $!%cking light bulb controversy.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

22 to ask if there is a flounce in progress.

349 to post flounce memes.

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 01 Oct 2019 10:49

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling
the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone up to
your ar*e."
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 02 Oct 2019 08:30

A traffic officer sits in his car on the motorway and monitors traffic
mostly bored when suddenly his mobile rings, it his colleague.

"Dude, stop the red Audi with the blond that coming your way!"

"But why"

"Just do it, and when she stops open her door and drop your pants"

"But..."

"Just do it!"

The officer a bit reluctant decides to trust his friend. Sees the red Audi
stops her, opens the door and drops his pants.

The hot blonde sighs, gets his manhood, and says:
"Honestly- what's with all the alcohol tests today..."
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 03 Oct 2019 08:30

> A story for all you writers and word-smiths.
>
> On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his
> wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine
> man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple
> cure for erectile dysfunction.

> The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The
> old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned
> 'This is a powerful medicine.
> You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do,
> you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and
> you can perform for as long as you want."

> The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and
> asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does,
> the medicine will not work again until the following month."
>
> He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
> shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife
> to join him in the bedroom.
>
> When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
> Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and
> began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
>
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
> with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 Oct 2019 09:16

A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

PreviousNext

  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Other games



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 14 guests

cron