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Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 05 Oct 2019 10:49
by Gillzajoker
Something a little controversial.......

To all the school kids going on 'strike' for Climate Change:

You are the first generation who have required air-conditioning in every classroom.
You want TV in every room and you spend all day and night on electronic devices.
You are polluting the planet with plastics and destroying wildlife.
More than ever, you don't walk or ride bikes to school but arrive in private cars that choke local roads and worsen rush hour traffic.

You are the biggest consumers of manufactured goods and update perfectly good expensive luxury items to stay trendy. These items last a short while before they are discarded into land-fill. Furthermore, the people driving your protests are the same people who insist on artificially increasing the population growth, which also increases the need for energy, manufacturing and transport. The more people we have, the more forest and bushland we clear and more of the environment and world’s resources are destroyed.

How about this...

Tell your teachers to switch off the air-con.
Walk or ride to school. Switch off your devices and read a book.
Make a sandwich instead of buying manufactured fast food.
Promote contraception, help women who are raped and impregnated to obtain abortions. Raise awareness of the world’s population increasing beyond its ability to sustain itself.

No, none of this will happen because you are selfish, badly educated, inspired by the adults around you who crave a feeling of having a 'noble cause' while they indulge themselves in Western luxury and unprecedented quality of life.

Wake up, grow up and learn to research facts and think for yourself and not blindly accept the words and thoughts of others - I don't think you formulated this action plan all by your self –I suspect you may have had some influence and 'guidance' from those you trust.

A word of warning, be cautious of the influence of the 'left' because there may be a time in the future that you will be the ones left out...

Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 06 Oct 2019 09:32
by Gillzajoker
Guy walks into a public toilet in Jamaica. Goes over to the urinals where there's
a Rasta standing taking a pee. Unzips, and proceeds to take a pee himself.

Curiosity gets the better of him and his eyes strays over to the Rasta and he sees
the guys appendage.

He is so proud, he blurts out to the guy "look mate I've got a tattoo just like yours!"

The Rasta looks over to the guy and eyes his pink member. He sees that the guy
has a 'W' and 'y' tattooed on it.

The guy proudly says " yeah, but look ...when it gets stiff, I've got my wife's name
tattooed on it. Wendy!"

The Rasta calmly turns to face the guy, says "that's cool mon". Then shows the
guy his and says "you're right, mine's also a tattoo of a W and a y.
but when mine gets stiff it says ... Welcome to Jamaica Honey!"

Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 07 Oct 2019 12:57
by Gillzajoker
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up,they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 08 Oct 2019 10:16
by Gillzajoker

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.

My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.

The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.

He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'

Re: Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 08 Oct 2019 20:19
by Barrowboy
I was watching a dog chase it's tail and thought 'How easily dogs are amused'....then I realised I was watching a dog chase its tail

Re: Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 09 Oct 2019 10:16
by Gillzajoker
Barrowboy wrote:I was watching a dog chase it's tail and thought 'How easily dogs are amused'....then I realised I was watching a dog chase its tail

Love it, David!

Teacher asks her class: "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like you’re thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like you’re thinking."

Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 10 Oct 2019 10:38
by Gillzajoker
Guy takes his very attractive girlfriend home after a night out at the cinema. It's December and bitterly cold. There is a storm brewing.

They go into the house and he's pleased to see a roaring fire. Present in front of the fire is his girlfriends father, mother and grandmother. The storm is starting outside. It's a bad one. The wood pile next to the fireplace is getting low.

The father pipes up and says he has devised a plan ... "The first person to speak, has to go outside to collect firewood from the shed!"

The storm gets worse! No one says anything, not wanting to go outside in the storm.

At this point the guy is feeling really randy and starts kissing and petting his girlfriend. Everyone notices but says nothing. No one wants to go out in the storm. The wood pile is getting lower.
The guy thinks "Sod it, I'm really worked up now!" and so is his beautiful girlfriend and they proceed to have passionate sex in front of everyone.

No one says anything, not wanting to go out in the storm.

The guy then eyes up the girlfriends mother and as he always thought she oozed sex, proceeded to fondle her. She kept quiet and did not reject his advances and he proceeded to have his way with her too!

Having finished with her he thought, Sod it! I might as well do the grandmother! She was fantastic, not having had a young man for years!

Still no one said anything, not wanting to go outside in the storm. By now the wood pile had disappeared and only embers were left in the fireplace. There was total silence in the room. He screwed three generations and no one objected!

The guy got up stark naked, his dick dangling in front of him and went to the fireplace with the burning embers. Just then there was a huge crack and a spark flew straight out and hit the guy on the tip of his dick! No one else noticed.

He turned to the father and shouted "where's the Vaseline?"

The father took one look at him, jumped up and shouted back in return ... "I'll get the wood!"

Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 11 Oct 2019 09:43
by Gillzajoker
Trump has a heart attack and dies . He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him . " I don't know what to do " says the Devil ." You're on my list but I have no room for you . But you definitely have to stay here , so I'll tell you what I'm going to do . I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you . I'll let one of them go , but you have to take their place . I'll even let YOU decide who leaves ." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed .

The Devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over , such was his fate in Hell. "No !" Trump said . " I don't think so . I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long ."

The Devil led him to the next room . In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks . All he did was swing that hammer , time after time after time . "No ! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day ! " commented Trump .

The devil opened a third door. In it , Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky , doing what she does best .

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said , " Yeah, I can handle this ."

The Devil smiled and said , " Monica , you're free to go”

Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 12 Oct 2019 09:44
by Gillzajoker
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Joke of the Day

PostPosted: 13 Oct 2019 10:38
by Gillzajoker
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.