Cruising Mates Forum: Cruise reviews, chat, answers and information. cruisingmates.co.uk • View topic - Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Oct 2019 13:17

Hope this doesn't come across as offensive - after all, it's all in the mind.

I saw a car with a bumper sticker which read:- I am a vet, therefore
I can drive like an animal.

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the road.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Oct 2019 10:31

Husband:- I'm a grown man - stop mothering me.

Also husband:- What's my password? Have you seen my car keys?.
Did you make my doctor's appointment?
Have I any clean underwear?
Is dinner ready yet? Are we going out tonight?
When's my mother's birthday? Have you sent a card?
Etc. Etc. Etc.!
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Oct 2019 09:33

I treated my wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day,
and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't muck about!
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Oct 2019 10:22

GETTING OLDER

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own flaming business.
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Oct 2019 10:10

Two nuns are driving along when the devil appears, in a
flash of lightning, sitting on the bonnet of their car.

"Quick, get out and show him your Cross", says the first nun.

The second nun gets out of the car, slams her door, and says,
"Get the f**k off our bonnet, you b*stard!"
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Oct 2019 09:53

A husband asks his wife, "You never argue when I get mad at you.
How do you manage to control your anger?"

Wife replies, "I just clean the toilet".

Husband says, "how does that help"?

She replies, "I use your toothbrush!"
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Oct 2019 10:13

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House (look it up if you don’t know what that is). Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy , figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Oct 2019 10:32

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat. After a few
beers, one of them asked, "What's that big brass gong hanging
on the wall?"?

Paddy says, "It's me speaking clock".

"How does it work?" his mate asks.

"I'll show you," says Paddy, and hits it full belt with a claw
hammer.

A voice from next door yells,"For God's sake, you b**tard,
it's twenty to three in the morning!".
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Oct 2019 13:31

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.
When his sons opened up the will it read:
‘My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;’
‘My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;’
‘My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.’

As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons
started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart,
to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the will patiently, and, after giving due thought,
brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17.
That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
TOTAL = 17

This left one horse over, so the farmer friend took his horse back to his farm……
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Oct 2019 09:42

Another Blonde

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home, blow into the exhaust really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her exhaust. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the exhaust in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
Image
User avatar
Gillzajoker
Admiral
Admiral
 
Posts: 15320
Joined: 03 Mar 2011 16:07
Location: Costa Almeria, Spain
National Flag:
Spain

PreviousNext

  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Other games



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

cron