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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Sep 2020 08:38

More kids talking about the sea

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids
get pregnant? (Helen age 6)


I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and
being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.
They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down
alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 7)

On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.
She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7).
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Sep 2020 10:33

Carol was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to
know.

One day, the police raided a sex party at a hotel and arrested
a whole group of prostitutes, Carol among them. The police
took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along
the driveway when suddenly, Carol's grand
ma came by and saw her granddaughter standing in line.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Carol told
her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for
myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information
from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was
bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age?
How do you do it?"

Grandma replied "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin
back and suck them dry.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Sep 2020 08:59

Paddy wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Paddy is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got
home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did
something wrong.


Paddy had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Paddy sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the
house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts
on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Mary"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating. Paddy asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in
the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mammy dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave
me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: £239.99. Hot Breakfast: £4.20. Two Aspirins:
£0.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
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Joke of the Day

Postby judgegeoff » 24 Sep 2020 17:54

Not a joke, but this entry in our local 'Romney Marsh buy it or sell it for free' website made me smile:-

"Quilt, only used as a spare, in excellent condition £5"

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Booked cruise :-
"MSC Orchestra" - Cape Town to Venice 2020 (now virtual)
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Sep 2020 08:51

Ha ha, Geoff - I'll have it! :lol:

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....

"Of course, I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed
at a patient."

"Okay, then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part
the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And, then, she
started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as
she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady,
I promise that that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Sep 2020 10:37

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of
4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound
than anyone could have ever imagined !

'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8
'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and just listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate.'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday.'

Noelle - age 7
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Sep 2020 10:11

THE UMBRELLA - A TOUCHING Story

On a rainy afternoon, a group of BLM protesters
were gathered outside the grocery store handing out
pamphlets on the “evils”of America.

I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her
a pamphlet which she politely declined.

The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing
voice said
"Don't Black Lives Matter and don’t you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my Jewish father died in France during
World War II I lost my husband who was Afro-American in Korea , and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so a naive, ignorant self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to
stand here and badmouth our Country, and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella
up your ass and open it."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 28 Sep 2020 11:10

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds What does Love mean?

The answers they got were broader, deeper and more profound that anyone could have ever imagined.
See what you think.

Tommy - age 6

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each
other so well.'


Cindy - age 8

'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and
saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Mary Ann - age 4

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Jessica - age 8

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.
People forget.'

And the final one:

The winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently
lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard , climbed onto
his lap and just sat there.

When asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said , 'Nothing , I just helped him cry'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 29 Sep 2020 09:41

A great story taken from a recent copy of The Yorkshire Herald.

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out
as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good'
Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double
buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us
“I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing
is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing
sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting
from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey
frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud
and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining
licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have
been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department
where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there any
more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don’t just
let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston
looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go when he's doing
close up work, there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can
only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that I give him my
five-second warning, and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just quietly
crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we asked him to
comment on what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.“ he told us, “We get
more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have
moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in
an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery.

You couldn’t make it up!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 30 Sep 2020 08:49

THE POETRY OF GOLF......



In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.



By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell



My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.



It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.



To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.



It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.



With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.



It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
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