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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Jun 2018 08:28

A young priest stands in for father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.

After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me
Father for I have sinned"

"What is your sin , my daughter? "

"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"

"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution

Another woman comes in and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"

She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."

The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out
into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does
Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" a

And she says....

"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Jun 2018 15:15

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,
that she had missed Janie.

" Janie, do you have a story to share?"

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a
Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail
out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol,
and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She
shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four
more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi
with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Jun 2018 09:03

$5.37!

>> That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
>> I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
>> Having already handed the
>> kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
>> when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
>> He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
>>
>> I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
>> "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
>>
>> I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
>> A mere child!
>> Senior citizen?
>>
>> I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
>> Was he blind?
>> As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
>> Old? Me?
>>
>> I'll show him, I thought.
>> I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
>> and there he was waiting with a smile.
>>
>> Before I could say a word, he held up something
>> and jingled it in front of me,
>> like I could be that easily distracted!
>> What am I now?
>> A toddler?
>>
>> "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
>> I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
>> I began to rationalize in my mind!
>>
>>
>> "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
>> It could happen to anyone!"
>>
>> I turned and headed back to the truck.
>> I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
>> What now?
>> I checked my keys and tried another.
>> Still nothing.
>>
>> That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
>> I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
>>
>> Then, a few other objects came into focus:
>> The car seat in the back seat.
>> Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
>> A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.
>>
>> Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
>>
>> Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
>> relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
>> That is when I
>> felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
>> My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
>> only it was nowhere to be found.
>>
>> I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
>> and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
>> There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
>> All I could think was,
>> "What is the world coming to?"
>>
>> All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
>> At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
>> and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
>>
>> Elmo had no clue.
>> I walked back out to the truck,
>> and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
>> He was holding up a drink and a bag.
>> His mother explained,
>> "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
>>
>> I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
>>
>> She offered these kind words:
>> "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
>>
>> All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
>> Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
>> And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
>>
>> As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
>> I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
>> I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
>>
>> The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
>>
>> Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).
>>
>> Notice the larger type?
>> That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
>>
>>
>> Wait... did I send this to you already?
>>
>>
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Jun 2018 09:10

Exotic Travek

My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to
see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down
just a few miles south of the station.

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around
us spoke any English.

The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims,
angry bearded types glared at us.

The wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress,
All the local women were draped in black head to toe, burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jenny, our group leader. ushered us off the train and round the
corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued
our journey safely to Sydney Airport.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Jun 2018 09:06

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience..Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"

God replied: "Ooops! I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Jun 2018 14:05

Sadly, they vote and they breed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA):

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

“I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong - he was slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."


"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."


"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Jun 2018 10:59

SENIOR AT THE MERCEDES DEALER

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman
has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy,
busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man,
I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the
$55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for
$45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had
insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large
glass of water.

Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing
help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning
salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys
to the old man.

There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the
price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Jun 2018 11:21

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.
But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Jun 2018 10:38

Whispering in the University Library

A young man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. Spotting an empty seat, he quietly asked a girl sitting at the table with the vacant chair, “Excuse me … do you mind if I sit here beside you?”

The girl replied in a loud voice, “NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the library began staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the man’s table and said with a laugh, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt really embarrassed, right?”

The man responded in a very loud voice, “£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? …. I`M NOT PAYING THAT MUCH!"

Everyone in the library looked at the girl in shock. The young man whispered to her, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Jun 2018 10:35

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it
and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on her. He looks out from
his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister.
Her mother died, too!'
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