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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Feb 2019 11:46

The Italian virgin

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Feb 2019 12:43

The New Generation will never believe the story about the STORK

The little boy goes to his father and asks, Daddy, how was I born?

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked
into a secluded room, and Googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I
was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said:-

'You Got Male!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Feb 2019 12:57

Yellow 24

Guy feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have
Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only
have 24 hours to live

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments
on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never
been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins
£35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners,
a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card..
You must be the luckiest b@stard on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'Blow me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Feb 2019 15:07

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron
standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her
hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

”I don't know -- put me down for a five."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Feb 2019 11:49

From an Old Mind

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?"
I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond.

I decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'THEIRS.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Feb 2019 10:48

The Winter Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing,
the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot
on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier
pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her
cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct
feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get
right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once
again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No
sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But
my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace
and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I
stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Feb 2019 10:48

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall & smiling, he says to her, “Honey, would you have sex with me?”


Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”


Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I love you so much!”

“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”

“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“No, no. I just can’t!”

“I’m begging you.”


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, & the girl’s older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, & in a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead & have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mum says she can come down herself & do it, but for goodness sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Feb 2019 10:50

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his into
a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: ”Got here in two, didn't I?

—————————
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Feb 2019 12:57

Wisdom with Age

1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big
round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza..
I ate a pizza, are you happy ?

3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours
and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk
9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside
they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.... I
forgot where I was going with this....

11. I love being almost 86, I learn something new every day and forget 6 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I
woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. April 6, 2019 marks the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you don't forget
to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Feb 2019 16:07

Golf

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?"
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