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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 Jul 2019 14:19

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked
him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it ?" she asked.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Jul 2019 12:10

Three male bodies arrive at the morgue with big smiles frozen on their lifeless faces.

The coroner calls the detective to ask what happened to the men.

"First body: French. Age 60. Died of Congestive Heart Failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Detective", said the detective.

"Second body: Scottish. Age 25. Won one thousand dollars on the slot machines and spent it all on Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Died of acute alcohol poisoning. Hence going out with a smile."

The Coroner asked, "What about the third body, it’s badly burned but he still has a smile on his face?"

"Ah," said the detective, "This is the most unusual one: Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. Age 45. He was struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asked the Coroner.

"He thought someone was taking his picture!!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Jul 2019 14:57

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother
says your prayers for you each night ? That's very commendable.
What does she say ?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Jul 2019 10:06

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna
be a bit awkward innit?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive b@st@rd."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Jul 2019 10:18

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE. NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND.

EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AAM. BUT, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."


THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Jul 2019 10:37

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every pet (current and past). For several
weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My
curiosity got the best of me and I finally asked her, "Kelli, why do you always
add the part about all girls ?"

Her response, "Because everybody else always finishes their prayers by saying
'All Men'!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Jul 2019 10:39

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Jul 2019 11:34

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny!
Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating
at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Jul 2019 11:57

New Version of the Three Bears Story and probably a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair... He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***** PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Jul 2019 10:25

VIRUS ALERT

The 3rd strain of the Nile virus is coming.

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even
the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take
care of this one.

It appears to target those who were born prior to 1958.

Virus Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)

8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)

9 Forget to delete the sender’s address.

It's called:

THE C- NILE VIRUS
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