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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Sep 2019 11:32

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to York Racecourse.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Class 3?'

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.’
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 10 Sep 2019 21:44

Marriage is like a deck of cards:

At first all you need is a couple of Hearts and a Diamond.

After a couple of years...

All you Want is a Club and a Spade.
David
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Sep 2019 10:10

Great to have you joining in, David! :D

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 11 Sep 2019 21:08

Why thank you young Gill..... :wave:

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men…are men.
David
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Sep 2019 10:42

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing
who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on:

Until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 13 Sep 2019 10:43

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.


The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w@nkers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks on time.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Sep 2019 10:19

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...
But she was dating someone else .

One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said , I'll give you $100 if you
let me have sex with you ...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!

Michael said, I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to pick it
up and I'll finish by the time you stand back up .'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she
called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even
be able to get his pants down .'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minute's the boyfriend calls and asked, 'What happened ...? '

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The b@st@rd had all quarters !'

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and
getting screwed!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Sep 2019 10:36

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men…are men.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Sep 2019 11:07

OUR DOG

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.
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