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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Nov 2019 11:24

Hi, I'm back. Thanks Geoff and David for keeping the thread going.

I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!

Too many stupid questions, like:-

Who's blood is it?
Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Nov 2019 16:44

NON-PC!!!


Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.

"When I got to the door I couldn't jump. So the 6'7" black
instructor unzipped his fly, whipped out his 14" and said
either jump or you get this baby up your a**e".

Mick asks, "So did you jump?"

Paddy, "Just a little bit, when it first went in!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Nov 2019 14:26

Caller : Good evening. Is this Mr. Fredrick Jones speaking ?

Jones : Yes.

Caller : Hello, Mr. Jones. This is Consolidated Insurance. We are your car
insurers.

Jones : I know.

Caller : We wanted to let you know that your car insurance has
now been renewed for the next 12 months and the
appropriate documents are in the mail to you.

Jones : Right

Caller : Now that I've got you, Mr. Jones, would you be kind enough
to answer a few questions ?

Jones : Hurry up, then . . . the football game is on.

Caller : Do you have a family pet, Mr. Jones ?

Jones : Yes

Caller : And what is it, Sir ?

Jones : A dog.

Caller : And have you ever considered getting your much-loved
dog insured ?

Jones : No

Caller : Why ever not, Mr. Jones ?

Jones : Because he can't f….kin' drive.

Call ends
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Nov 2019 10:46

The day after her husband disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff (Ireland) a woman answered her door to find 2 grim-faced Constables on her doorstep.

"We're very sorry Mrs. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear husband Patrick," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Have you found him?" Maureen O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mrs. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm extremely sorry to tell you, mam, that early this morning we found your poor husband's body in the bay."

"Lord suffering and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed Mrs. O' Flynn.

Swallowing hard, she asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "Well, When we pulled poor Patrick up, he had 10 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to him. I haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mrs. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God; if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're going to pull him up again..... tomorrow."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 28 Nov 2019 10:46

Men are from Mars.....

AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him,
"Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 29 Nov 2019 11:51

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburretor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out."
"Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 30 Nov 2019 12:07

My wife said I make love like a painter. I said, what, like da Vinci
with smooth strokes, attention to detail and resulting in a masterpiece?

No, she replied, like the Council - rush the job, leave a mess and I have
to finish it myself.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 01 Dec 2019 11:10

Interesting Trivia

Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

BECAUSE When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

BECAUSE This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

BECAUSE In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.'

Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUUSE In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called passing the buck'?

BECAUSE In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 03 Dec 2019 15:51

Postman Pat was retiring after 35 years of delivering post to the same houses.

On his last day at the first house he was presented with a bottle of Scotch whiskey.

At the second house he was given an expensive watch. At the third he was met by
a curvaceous blond in a negligee who took him upstairs to make passionate love.
Afterwards she cooked him a full English breakfast with freshly squeezed orange
juice to start.

As he was finishing his cup of coffee he noticed a £1 coin in the saucer and asked
why it was there. She replied that when she has asked her husband what to give Pat
for his retirement he had said “f**k him & give him a quid.”

She added shyly that breakfast was her idea.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 03 Dec 2019 21:27

I went on the London Underground the other day ...and watched a dog get on with a trumpet...he went from....Barking to Tooting....
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