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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 Dec 2019 11:33

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN
RECENT YEARS.

25% of the men in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 05 Dec 2019 16:58

Daughter’s text to Dad:

Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook ready. LOL! As you know, I’m in Australia and he’s in the US. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lot of love, Lilly.

Dad’s reply:

My dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever… I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay. Lots of love, Dad.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 06 Dec 2019 11:13

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."

Then he made the earth round, and He laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 Dec 2019 11:10

More Interesting Trivia

WHY?
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

BECAUSE
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

WHY?
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

BECAUSE
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the Centre of attention.

WHY?
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.



WHY?
In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

BECAUSE
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into caddie.

WHY?
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?

BECAUSE
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 Dec 2019 11:08

>>
>> Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
>> She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
>>
>> This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
>>
>> Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>>
>> Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
>>
>> To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
>>
>> Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
>>
>> The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
>>
>> Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
>>
>> Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Dec 2019 11:59

Southern cops 1


These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through"

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? > Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O. K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Dec 2019 11:03

> 4 keen golfers decided one spring day in the 19th hole that their idea of an ideal round of golf would be to play on Christmas Day. When they played together at the beginning of December they agreed to go ahead with the plan.

On Christmas morning when they met the first chap says “I hope it’s a good round because it’s cost me a pretty packet. I’ve left my wife unable to take her eyes off the solitaire ring I bought her”.

The second agreed saying he had left his wife scouring the (Saga) brochures to choose the cruise he had promised her.

The third friend added that he had left his wife studying the manual for the new car he had bought her.

The fourth friend looked at them in amazement and said he didn’t know what their problem was. He went on to say he had cheerfully wished his wife a happy Christmas with a slap on her backside and had said “intercourse or on the course” to which she had replied “don’t forget to take your hat “!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Dec 2019 14:20

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing...

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.'
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 11 Dec 2019 21:06

A whole load of chickens are to be culled due to and outbreak of 'bird flu' The head Turkey in the next field is 'optimistic' about their survival in the next couple of weeks......
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Dec 2019 11:03

A retired Colonel bumped into his old batman after many years of retirement.

The Colonel offered his old batman a job as his butler.

"It's no different to your batman days. You'll catch on again fast", he said.

The next morning the butler entered the Colonels bedroom, opens the curtains
and gently shakes the Colonel to wake him.

He moves to the other side of the bed, slaps the Colonels wife on the arse and
said, "OK, sweetheart, get your fat arse out of bed and back to the village!"
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