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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Jan 2020 10:54

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.

Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and
them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words
on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but: "Nescafe".

Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
"Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the
card read: "Rothmans".

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:
"Super strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter..

the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.

Mum waited for a week, Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand,
"Air New Zealand ".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Jan 2020 11:18

Slips of the Tongue
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator – 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 14 Jan 2020 14:40

The Nigerian Times

We regret to announce the death of businessman Mr. Duthi
Omaloguto. He had no heirs, but left an estate of 2 billion
Naira, which equals approximately US$5.500,000.

His lawyers said that for the last 20 years he had been trying
to give away the bulk of his fortune, but nobody would answer
his emails.........
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Jan 2020 14:32

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off her. About every time she came into
the room he'd jerk his neck right out of joint just looking at her.

When he'd finished and paid him, she said, "I'm going to make a
well, unusual request, but you'll have to promise me that you'll
keep it a secret".

The repairman quickly agreed, and she went on. "Well, it's kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind
and decent man, (sigh), he has a certain physical weakness.
A certain disabililty. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man... "

The repairman could hardly speak, but said, "yes, yes".....

"And since I've been wanting to every since you came through the
door...

"yes, yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator, please?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Jan 2020 11:25

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Jan 2020 15:11

One Sunday, the Pope REALLY wants to play golf, but, being
Sunday, he couldn't. Well, maybe, he thought, it will be OK
if I just play a little bit. So he changed clothe and went out
onto the green.

Up in Heaven an angel saw him and reported him to Jesus.
However, Jesus didn't do anything about it.

"Aren't you going to punish him?" asked the angel.

"Yes - just wait", replied Jesus.

Just then the Pope hit a beautiful hole in one.

"Well, that's not punishment," said the angel.

And Jesus responded, "Ah, but who's he going to tell?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Jan 2020 11:06

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfil.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,

'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Jan 2020 11:10

Old Age

When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less,
I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older I've set my body free;
There's comfort of elastic.. Where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes.. My feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now, But used to wear a seven.
And how about those blasted tights --They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on.. The crotch is at my knee?

I need to wear these glasses As the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago-- I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to grey and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me, the outside's changed a bit.
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