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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Mar 2020 11:22

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for
a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "$5".

The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow,
this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".

The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Mar 2020 11:04

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives
her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Mar 2020 11:57

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his d*ck.

An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift
your hat for a lady ..."

He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 23 Mar 2020 17:24

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Budweiser.

The bartender says, "What's wrong with Budweiser, don't you like it?

The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Budweiser and blew chunks.

The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".

You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Mar 2020 11:09

2 cowboys talking about s*x. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"

"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind.

Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel
just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 25 Mar 2020 11:06

PSYCHIATRIST VS BARTENDER

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I finally went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. An Irish bartender cured me for $10.00.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new sports car."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."


FORGET THE SHRINKS.. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 26 Mar 2020 14:28

A girl on a plane keeps sneezing, and with each sneeze she
shudders. She apologises to the man sat next to her for
disturbing him. He said it was fine, a sneeze is perfectly
natural, but then asks why she shudders afterwards.

She explains she has a very rare medical condition that
when she sneezes she has an orgasm..

"Oh", he says, "I've never heard of that. What are you
taking for it?"

She replies, "Pepper!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Postby Barrowboy » 26 Mar 2020 17:11

"Single man with toilet paper would like to meet single woman with hand sanitiser for good clean fun."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 27 Mar 2020 10:44

Severe Weather Canada

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Newfoundland.

She said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and is
still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is
increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the
kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bast**d in.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 28 Mar 2020 11:48

One of the hardest and most tedious jobs every week is deciding
what to have for meals. One advantage of the current situation
is that the meal planning is somewhat easier and we thought we
would share ours in case it saves any of you valuable time:

Monday - Spaghetti Bolognaise with carrots and garlic bread and
rhubarb crumble and custard.

Tuesday - Sausage and mash with broccoli and gravy.

Wednesday - Tin of soup and a cream cracker.

Thursday - A pickled onion and a slice of beetroot.

Friday - Birds Eye peas.

Saturday - Oxo Beef stock cube.

Sunday - Half a packet of cornflour best before end October 1998.
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