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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 02 May 2021 11:11

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
Which is designed to cut through a seat belt
If she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

-------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the
lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cookasked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time, then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

They Walk Among Us!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 03 May 2021 11:22

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

NICKNAME If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild man.

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for
$32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need but it's on sale.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 May 2021 10:40

SEX AT 85
I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 85.
I'm so happy, because I live at
number 83.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
Andit's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!

~~~~~


Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use
mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your
glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting.

~~~~~

The
irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.

~~~~~

I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before
you expire.

~~~~~
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 05 May 2021 10:37

Love the Irish!

There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and
three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than
two hours.
…………………………………….


“O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?”
And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.
……………………………….


Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. “I’m pregnant” she cries.
“And how do you know it’s yours?” shouts her father
…………………………………


PADDY: “Hey Shaun, what’s Mick’s surname?”
SHAUN: “Mick who?”
…………………………………..


*PADDY: “If you can guess how many Pheasants I’ve got in me bag you
can have both of them”.*
*SHAUN: Three.*
………………………………….


Mrs Murphy said: I don’t tink me husband has been faithful to me”.
“Why’s that?” said Mrs O’Toole.
“Me last child don’t look anything like him”.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 06 May 2021 11:07

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a prominent politician
happened to appear. He took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him
a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no
trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' he asked.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died
during one of them. Which one?''

He thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another
example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us! And, MORE sadly, hold high offices !!!
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 May 2021 10:07

More Irish Fun

Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once,
because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”
……………………………………

Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for
their conjugal relations to arrive.
……………………………………

Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him
what it was for.
“It’s me weather guide” said Murphy, “If it’s swinging back and
forth, it’s windy and if it’s wet, its been raining.
……………………………………..

Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose
the last week in July and the first week in August.
……………………………………

Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind
man’s hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped
it up and put it in the hat. “You’re not blind” she said. “No I’m
not” said Paddy, “Its Murphy whose blind, I’m just filling in for him
while he’s gone to the pictures”.
……………………………………

“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.
“Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.
“That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied.
……………………………………..
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 May 2021 10:58

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property
with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 May 2021 10:27

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he
hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a
crayfish from the billabong.

The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish. “

Billy said “I didn't steal any crayfish, he's my pet and I bring him here for five minutes
swimming lessons and I can prove it.”

“Okay “, said the Ranger “prove it. “

Billy put the crayfish back in the water and after five minutes the Ranger said “Okay,
where is he? “

Billy said, “Where's who?”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 May 2021 09:59

Japanese Hotel Service . . .

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . .
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out
his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of
his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures,
$20.00'.> 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted
his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked
both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine
started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 May 2021 10:45

Sam Goldwyn was a well-known Hollywood film producer but he is also
known for Goldwynisms –malapropisms,paradoxes and speech errors.
Here are a few:

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Gentlemen I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never
wrong.
I’ll give you a definite maybe.
It’s more than magnificent. It’s mediocre
.Referring to a book: I read part of it all the way through.
Talking about a piece of movie dialogue: Let’s have some new cliches.
The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.
We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined
.I never make predictions especially about the future.
What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works it way
up to a climax.
Every director bites the hand that lays the golden egg.
You ought to take the bull between the teeth
.Include me out.

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.
Tell, me how did you love my picture?
Why should people go out and pay moneyto see bad films when they can stay
at home and see bad television for nothing?
I never liked you and I always will.
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