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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 04 Jun 2021 10:57

One liners

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 05 Jun 2021 10:59

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 06 Jun 2021 10:57

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting
them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.........

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my
dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat,
under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the
raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos
and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 07 Jun 2021 11:26

Why, oh why?

In all my years ....... I still haven't found out who let the dogs out or where the beef is...

I still don't know how to get to Sesame Street, and in this age of technology, why
doesn't Dora just use Google Maps?

Why do all flavours of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or just how many licks does it
take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Why are eggs and light bulbs packaged in a flimsy containers, but batteries are secured
in plastic that's tough as nails?

Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors! I still don't
understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long
word.

Why is there a "D" in "fridge" but not in "refrigerator"....Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavour yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? And why do you have to "put your
two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"...where's that extra penny going
to anyway?

Why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune, and
why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? And just what is Victoria's secret?

And what would you do for a Klondike bar when you know as soon as you bite into it it's
gonna fall apart? Does she or doesn't she what? Why do you care if I got milk?
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 08 Jun 2021 11:25

Latest Travel Update

You are only allowed to visit the countries who voted for us in the Eurovision Song Contest.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 09 Jun 2021 09:50

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had
to participate in the following community ceremony: They lay themselves stark naked
in a large circle, feet facing inward.

A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a
blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and
insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous
dance in the centre of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the
kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as
they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAPP !" against their belly
buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . .

The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. And that, folks,
is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .......................
I bet you never knew this
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 10 Jun 2021 10:21

Irish fun

Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once,
because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”
……………………………………

Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for
their conjugal relations to arrive.
……………………………………

Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him
what it was for.
“It’s me weather guide” said Murphy, “If it’s swinging back and
forth, it’s windy and if it’s wet, its been raining.
……………………………………..

Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose
the last week in July and the first week in August.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 11 Jun 2021 10:27

The owner of the local corner market noticed Little Johnny start hanging out his store. The owner didn't know
what Little Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it,
sometimes they would offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and he
would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys
are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing
the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if
I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 12 Jun 2021 11:19

Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man’s hat on the pavement, but missed,
as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat.

“You’re not blind” she said.

“No I’m not” said Paddy, “Its Murphy whose blind, I’m just filling in for him while he’s gone to the pictures”.……………………………………“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund”, said Paddy.

“Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.

“That’s the one we’re looking for”, Paddy replied.……………………………………..
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