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Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 15 Jul 2021 09:18


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the
location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly
displayed it to the rancher. "See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself
clear.....do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer
running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure
enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ ! !"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 16 Jul 2021 10:46

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
'This is the dumbest in the world. Watch while I prove it to you'. The barber
puts a dollar bill in one hand, and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy
over and asks, 'Which one do you want, son'. The boy takes the quarters and
leaves. 'What did I tell you?' the barber said. 'That kid never learns'.

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the
ice cream store. 'Hey, son. May I ask you a question?' Why did you take the
quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game
is over'.
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 17 Jul 2021 09:44

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 18 Jul 2021 11:23

BRITISH HOSPITALITY

A most accommodating nation

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of beer.

After a while he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences; no pubs, no stores or shops, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “But I really, really have to go, and I just cannot find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the policemen, “Just follow me.”

He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. “In there,” points the policeman, “Go ahead, sir, anywhere you like.”

The American enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels a whole more comfortable.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you. Is that what they call British hospitality?”

“No, sir,” replied the policeman, “That is what we call the French Embassy.”
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 19 Jul 2021 10:43

I walked into Spoons earlier, and a lady recognised me as a famous Facebooker.
We started to talk and eventually got back to my place

We started to kiss, and when I took off my shirt. On my arm, I have a tattoo that
says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm out and about, people will see my tattoo, and
Reebok pays me."

Then I took off my trousers, and on my leg, i had a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen when I'm out and
about."

Then I dropped my underwear and the lady screamed at my latest tattoo on my
penis.

"Don't tell me you have Aids?:

"No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute....
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 20 Jul 2021 10:57

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord paused for a moment.....
Then the Lord replied,
‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 21 Jul 2021 09:34

One for the Boys

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 29, 2021

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 22 Jul 2021 09:49

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who is best at their job, so they each
go into the woods, find a bear, and try and convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins, 'When I found the bear, I read to him
from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first
communion.'

The minister says, 'I found a bear by the stream and preached God's holy word.
The bear was so mesmerised that he let me baptise him'.

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
'Looking back,' he says, 'maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.'
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 23 Jul 2021 10:56

Engineers take a bow!
During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation offered its employees a huge reward to come up with diagnoses. To the surprise of the top engineers, old Jenkins the janitor meekly said he had an idea.

Well, desperation breeds opportunities, so they asked him to explain. In reply he merely requested a power drill, and when supplied one he climbed onto the wings of the latest prototype and proceeded to make holes a few inches apart where the wings joined the fuselage. "Now, get your test pilot to fly the fighter", Jenkins advised.

Sceptical, but curious, the engineers did. Lo! The jet fighter passed with flying (pun intended) colors. No more wing snapping. Amazed, the engineers surrounded Jenkins amidst all the celebration and asked him how he had hit upon such a clever solution that evaded all the engineering brains. Here is Jenkins' response.

"Ladies and gentlemen, even though I did not not have the benefit of university training like you, I am an observant chappie. You see, as janitor one of my duties is to change the toilet rolls in the loos when they run low.
Now, you know how toilet paper has rows of holes separating sheets?
Well, how often have you seen toilet paper actually tear along these holes?"
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Joke of the Day

Postby Gillzajoker » 24 Jul 2021 11:27

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his
colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb
and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask
any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful
silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply
never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are
so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the
truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.
'BLOODY HELL!' he screams........
‘Where's my Rolex?!?’
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